I don’t know when Napalm Records became the cut-out bin when it comes to quality metal, but that’s what the Austrian Toilet has certainly proven itself to be over the past 10-15 years. 99% of the acts stink of Japanese “idol culture”. From WIND ROSE to DRAGONFORCE to fuckin’ COAL CHAMBER and the former “vocalist” of CREED, whose name I will not mention because I just had lunch and don’t feel like puking it up quite yet, if you’re looking for a laxative, Napalm is where to shop. A friend of mine mentioned the “Napalming” of bands, and I think he’s onto something. Nearly every band, once signed, tends to either change its sound markedly or become more polished – more easily passed through the lower intestine on its way to the off-ramp of the body’s freeway, let’s say. Sure, there are outliers, but they are few and far between.
And here we have FEUERSCHWANZ. I’ve given a few of their albums the requisite spin in the past, so I know what I’m in for with Knightclub, and the best I can say is I’m not surprised. The title track, with the lyrics “…And we don’t stop fighting for our right to party in the Knightclub / P-P-Party in the Knightclub” and “Let the bodies hit the floor” positively reek of hobby horse “pony pits”, refillable plastic Mjölnirs from the last AMON AMARTH show that came through town hoisted high and brimming with White Claw.
I’m putting out the word now; let’s come together as true metalheads / rockers to help DORO out. She must be struggling financially, because that’s the only reason I can think such a unfuckwithable legend as she would lower herself to appear on ‘Valhalla’. Also, guys and gals of FEUERSCHWANZ, hate to break it to you, but you’re not “Vikings”. Neither am I. I can appreciate the history, the myths and belief systems, but cultural appropriation works both ways, babies, and that counts double in metal.
‘Name der Rose’ actually doesn’t leave me wanting to stab my eardrums out, a decent enough mid-paced number that boasts a catchy chorus, interesting bridge. Hell, even a broken clock, right? Well, turns out the “twice a day” on Knightclub happens immediately after, ‘Testament’ keeps the same mid-tempo, until a rogue wave of a riff [1:57-2:20] crashes into and over the side of this already floundering ship, threatening to grab my attention. Alas, such was not to be, as ‘The Tale Of Sam’ and ‘Sam The Brave’ is cluttered, disjointed in a herky-jerky sense, the “Token Tolkien” song “bands” of this sort feel they simply have to do.
‘Drunken Dragon’ might just be the first time I’ve walked past a bar, because “Raise your cup and don’t give a fuck” sounds lifted from Fred Durst’s notebook, and the (here we are again babies) “Too-ra-loo, ra-loo” explains the Irish cultural appropriation police making ready in the shadows. Who do you think you are now? CRUACHAN? I wish you were, and I bet you do too.
I haven’t mentioned it before, but early on in this fartfest, we were subjected to a cover of ‘Gangnam Style’. And I guess that’s really all any of us needed to know about Knightclub, in the end. FEUERSCHWANZ cannot implode quickly enough for me. All this makes me want to do is listen to IN EXTREMO and YE BANISHED PRIVATEERS for some sense of legitimacy.
Review By: Lord Randall
FEUERSCHWANZ
Knightclub
Napalm